How Did I Get Here?

Here it is, Saturday morning. Its 9:30 and I am not even dressed. I just ate breakfast and now am sipping some amazing coffee. I’m thinking about my husband far off in Turlock attending an 8 hour class. I’m looking around me and wondering, “How did I get here?” I have an apartment, more than fully furnished. I have the most amazing man as a husband. I have a huge family that loves me very much. Most importantly, I have this close relationship with my Lord. How did I get here, when not even 2 years ago everyday was a struggle to get through?

Well we all know the story of my struggle, if you are a new reader check out my way earlier posts. The answer is very clear. I got here because this is where the Lord has taken me. He DID have bigger plans for me. He still has bigger plans for me. At this thought, I smile.

When I first moved to California, I was blessed in so many ways. I pretty much had it easy when it comes to my relationship with God. I was forced to lean on Him when I was struggling. Not because anyone “forced” me to do it, but because I knew He is taking care of me and I had no one else to fall back on. I called that period my “Refining Period”. (Maybe one day I’ll write a blog about my entire life chopped out between eras and periods). I knew God was always there, and I knew God was taking care of me. God put things in my life to push me a little in one area one day, and then I’d lean on Him more. Then He’d push me a little in another area, and I’d lean on Him more. Once I truly got the hang of that and got to the point where it was so much easier to instinctively lean on God for anything and everything, my world changed to my “Unnamed Period” (I don’t know a good name for this just yet, suggestions welcome). This Period is where I met my now husband, Zechariah. I was leery at first. I prayed about the relationship and if this was where God was leading my life now. Indeed it was. It was very blissful. I loved him, he loved me, and we both loved the Lord. 

Somewhere between that time in my life and now (over a year later) I got to the point where I snuffed God again. Sure I would trust God with the big things, but I was nowhere close to where I was with God when I started dating Zech. I slowly started to turn toward Zechariah instead of God; just enough to where I could still “see” God if I turned my head slightly. The song “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns reminds me of what happened. I don’t know when I made the turn, all I know is that I did and I’ve been struggling to turn back.

Fortunately I still have hope! The last couple weeks I’ve gotten to the point where I NEED change. I need to lean on God. Boy, it sure is easy to say that, but sometimes so hard to do it! I think I was trying for a couple weeks to “say” it. If I thought about God enough, if I listened to Christian music enough, if I focused really hard in church on Sunday’s it’d just click and I’d be fixed! If you didn’t guess it already it didn’t work!! I was beginning to be frustrated with the whole situation.

(Insert break to go heat my coffee up…)

Finally! Something just…clicked! I was at the College & Career Sunday school and Kevin Bertram was leading it. The message was about “Identity In Christ”. Basic stuff, right? We all learn this somewhere along the way. The Lord used Kevin’s message to get me, and it got to me good! Kevin spoke about the things that our “identity” is based off of, such as: Fashion, Friends, Media, and Family (plus many more). We visually see something that others view as “cool” and we base our style off of that. It hit me. I make my husband what I live for. I don’t live for God anymore. I live for Zechariah Keenan. I will do anything for that man because I love him so very much. Granted, I do not personally feel that is wrong. But when I make my identity based off of Zech; that is wrong. I am sinning against my Lord and Savior. How dare I! So I thought long and hard about it; for DAYS.

Fortunately, God is so amazing. He doesn’t just halfway show me things. He says “That’s the first step, here is step two”.  Step two is the book Behold Your God by Myrna Alexander. It is a study book for woman. It goes through the attributes of God. The same week Kevin spoke at Sunday School, was the week I was in the middle of Chapter 1 of Behold Your God. This first chapter was the Introduction chapter. What would a book be without one of those! This chapter explained why we need to know who God is. I don’t just mean “God is my Lord and Savior who sent His Son to die for my sins.” I mean who is GOD! His characteristics, what makes God, God! Alexander shares how when we view our husbands, or anyone else for that matter, we view them as a complete person, not just a list of characteristics (kind, patient, loving). But when someone asks “What are they like?” that’s what we list to let them know pieces of their character, though if you have ever done this and tried to explain someone (for me it was Zechariah) you know that those words do not even come close to explaining really who they are. So reading through this chapter and answering the questions that came with it, I can see that God is so much more than just a list of words and Bible Stories. 

One of the questions where: “How do you view God today?” I thought long and hard on this one. Ashamed I wrote the few things I could list as things I truly viewed God as. My list was very very small, and I realized that I am not viewing God in the near capacity I should be. Though I don’t think anyone will ever really knows fully “who God is” until we see Him in heaven, I think we can all continually be growing and knowing who He is more and more throughout our lives though. I’ve always been told that God chooses to reveal certain things to us at certain times. God has shown me recently how much more He is than I see. 

Through the last couple days I have been striving to get closer to God, to let Him get closer to me. It’s been a delightful last couple days. If you don’t mind, could you keep me in your prayers? That I would continue to place my Identity in Christ, not in my husband or anything else, that I would continually grow closer to the Lord and learn more and more about His attributes. Thank you!!