What Do I Want To Teach My Children

Lately my  husband and I have been thinking and talking a lot about how we want our children to be raised. We've been discussing what we need to change now, so that we can teach our children through example.

As I've been thinking, I've noticed there is a LOT of stuff I want my children to know, a lot of virtues I want my children to have, a lot of bad stuff I want my children to stay away from. It's pretty overwhelming to think about!

So I thought that over the next couple weeks I'd keep a list of what I want my children to learn; what I want to instill into their hearts; what I want to show through example of my life style.

I have a tendency to mean well and have long term goals, but once the rubber hits the road, I'm so focused on just getting from point A to point B that I forget about that goal I had. I don't want that to transition into how I mother. I want every day to be a learning experience for my children. I don't want to miss an opportunity to show my children Christ's love, either through how I treat them, how I treat strangers, or how they see my husband and I treating each other.

I know I wont be the best mother in the entire world, but I just want to be the best mother God wants and is calling me to be. I want to be able to look at the list I make and refocus on what God has intended for my children to learn and how. I don't want to be buried with life's struggles, or even life's joys. I want to follow Christ in every step I take, every word I say, and I want my children to be behind me seeing Christ in everything.


Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Marriage

Apparently when I go absent for awhile, I go post crazy to make up for it.

I was listening to the radio (Air1) the other day. One of the DJ's was asking by her mother in law if she knew 3 couples that she could say "I want my marriage to be like theirs".

Her answer was no. Then they had callers call in. I wasn't able to listen to the full segment, but all of the callers that I heard always said no. There was maybe 1 couple, but never three. One had even stated that she had 1 that she looked up to, but then a couple months ago they got a divorce.

This got me thinking. Is there really that many people out there who didn't have good marriage examples? From a secular and worldly view, yes I completely understand that. But this was a Christian radio station, where Christians were the ones calling in!

Then I thought "Can I name 3 couples that I'd want to base my marriage off of?" At first I was like Of course I can! But the more I thought about it, I wasn't so sure. There are plenty of married couples in my church that have been married for a long time and from my view, they have a wonderful marriage. But if I'm aiming to look up to them as an example, I need to have seen them in a one-on-one way, not just acquaintances at church. So that quickly through out a bunch on my list. (I did eventually come up with 3 couples).

So...what makes a couple "role-model" worthy? For me, multiple things. A few key points:

1. Does each spouse make their other spouse more important them him/her? Getting over ones self is hard but, at the core, a characteristic of true love.

2. Do they argue like high schoolers? There is nothing more disheartening (in my opinon) than to see two people going back and forth like children, not even arguing about what the issue started off as. Sadly, this is too easy to do. Luckily for Zech and I, we are still newly married enough to laugh it off and get back to the real problem. But too many times have I seen people not be able to swallow their pride, just enough to work something out.

3. Do they communicate their problems more with each other than with you? Asking for advice in a certain situation is ok, but when a friend comes to me and complains about what their are mad about and what annoys them about their significant other...well, I think it breeds a small dose of resentment.

4. Is God number one in both their lives, and not just his life and her life? As a couple I feel it's important to be a team and be "one" with each other. Especially with their relationship with God. There is nothing specific I can list as an example, but there is something you see, something supernatural that you see between a husband and wife that serve God together, not just individually.

Browsing the web, there are too many lists on "50 things to make your husband happy", "10 things to make your marriage work". Not to say that those lists are wrong,  most of them have good ideas. But if we, as a nation, are using them as a foundation for marriage...well then we are bound to fail.

**This post is not for me to tell you how to run your marriage or what you need. It's merely what my opinion is on the matter and what I personally look for.

Death

I've been pretty absent recently. Sorry about that!

The last week or so, there has been a lot of death around here. The greatest thing about it: Those I know who've passed, have gone to see the Lord. What a great peace.

But somehow, for me, it doesn't make it any easier. I always have the same questions:


How do some deal with death, especially those who are not believers? How do you help those who've lost a non-believer grieve. How do you help those who've lost  a believer grieve the physical loss and resume life without them?

I do have some answers for those, and generally it's safe to say its different for each person. Ultimately there will be no one answer and just something that you have to learn and respond as the Holy Spirit guides.

I read an article the other day on NPR. It was about an atheist whose husband had passed. This line was written:

"I was searching frantically for anything that would help me get through this," Fiore recalls. "But everything I found had to do with God: putting your faith in God, believing that God had some sort of plan. I found nothing to help me."

After that I was thinking to myself that she turned to God and He got her through this....but that was not the case. She is now writing grief books for atheists.  Ultimately I know there will be no comfort for those who do not turn to the Lord in times such as those.

Here is a link to that particular article if you want to read it: http://www.npr.org/2013/01/16/168563480/after-tragedy-nonbelievers-find-other-ways-to-cope

Nearly a year ago I was faced with a situation that made me realize that life is so easy to lose. You could die of anything at any second. I hear the phrase "tomorrow is never guaranteed". I always think to myself "5 minutes from now isn't guaranteed!"

I had a wake up call. I knew that's what it was. But for a week or so I had no idea what it was. Then one Sunday a guy named Mike came up to me at church. (This guy is awesome, he reminds me a lot of my dad!) Mike said to me "God has plans for you".

And that was all I needed to hear. God can so easily take me home. But He hasn't. So what is His plan for me? I don't know, but I know there is one. Every day of my life is part of that "plan" and I made a pledge to make sure I listen to the Lord and live out His plan, not my own.

Sorry for all the ramblings and jumping from topic to topic, I hope it wasn't too unbearable =D

Sparrows of the Field

^{Matthew 6: 25-34}
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,  yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!  Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’  For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This passage is by far one of my favorites. For many, many reasons.

Worry
I am a worrier. Sadly, there are so many worriers in the world. The greatest thing: When I give up my worry and say "God, it's yours. I cannot do it anymore and I'm giving it to You." He always answers. And that is not an exaggeration.

Protection
God takes care of birds, He takes care of the fields and flowers. Have you ever looked out to a wild field? 

Not one that has been tamed by man, but one that just grows. Right now I'm thinking of almost any stretch of highway in Kansas. But also the Altamont pass in California, in the spring time. All of the poppies just blooming. That is God's beauty and testimony to us about how He takes care of things. If He takes care of them: of course He is going to take care of me.



Focus
"seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you". This should be my focus. Not about things of this world, but of God and bringing glory to Him.

Story 
This passage is very important to me. I feel as if God has picked out this passage and made it my "foundation" (relatively speaking). God has picked me up out my the pit of my worry many times. One day I believe I will not stumble into that pit as often and truly seek God first and foremost, even on my good days. (It seems during the good times, I am the furthest from Him).

As a reminder and testimony to those around me, I have sealed God's promise to me, on me.

There is a song on the radio by Santcus Real.  It's called Promises. You don't have to like the song: But listen to the lyrics or read them! If God makes a promise, He cannot stray from it. 

Remember that always, it helps when hard times are upon us.

3 years

Another anniversary is here.

3 years ago I moved to California from my comfortable home in Kansas.

As I look at the post I wrote 3 years ago, I think about where I was at the time I wrote that piece. What I was feeling, what I was thinking, even what mood I was in at the time. I briefly explain it in the post, but sometimes words can never be enough.

If you don't know my situation, then you have no idea what those feelings were even related to. All you know is words.

Many of my friends know I'm semi open about my past, as long as you ask me. But, I think it's about time that I log those past experiences in the one place that I'm supposed to: My Blog. (that's what blogs are for right? Its best I get on track here!)

Trying to explain history is really hard without going all the way to the beginning, but I am going to try! Maybe one day it will all be up here and the pieces will fit better.

4 1/2 years ago I graduated high school. My best friend and youth pastor (Tim and Miriam Park) moved away right after I graduated, I went from school to adult life and having a regular, full time job within about 2 days, and needless to say: I fell away from God.

I guess I should explain better: I already distanced myself from God in the previous years. But that summer was my official "cutting ties" era. I knew I was doing it, I didn't care, and I was miserable.

Well anyways, that summer all my friends were still in school/summer mode (Sleeping in until noon, seeing super late movies, etc) while Adult Amanda had to be in bed by 9 or else wouldn't be functional at work. So I began searching for friends in other places. Mainly a chat site called Mocospace.

There I chatted with multiple people about daily concerns, likes and dislikes, opinions on movies, blah blah. There was one guy I met on there named Brandt. He was so funny, whitty and charming. After the 3rd time talking to him, I remember thinking "Man, I really like this guy! What if he's the one?!".

Boy was I wrong.

One thing lead to another, and we met up at Starbucks one day. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I sat in my car for 15 minutes watching him wait for me before I got the courage to actually get out and meet him!

Now let me pause in this story to mention a part of home life that I didn't mention before: At this time my dad and I's relationship was not....good. I was always mad at him, he was always mad at me, we bucked heads. It was so hard trying to be a responsible adult and then still having to be home at a certain time or not be able to go hang out with someone one day (you know...typical teenage issues lol)

So of course he knew nothing about this guy, and didn't until the next May.

So as you can probably guess, Brandt and I started dating.  As time went by things got more serious.

By that next May I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to move out and be my own person. I tried to get a room with a friend from high school, but it just didn't work out. Brandt suggested one day that I move in with him because he was going to kick out his roommate. So I agreed. I was excited and clearly had no idea what all that entails. For real. That's an understatement.

So my dad met Brandt one day, then the next week I told him I was moving out. I was hoping he wouldn't ask with who....but he did. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had.

You know when you know you are not doing the right thing, but you are too stubborn to turn back now and you need to have some form of change so you convince your self that this option is worth it? Yeah...it wasn't worth it.

I moved in with Brandt at the beginning of June 2009. It was fine at first. Then God just wore down on my heart. So much that I didn't know what was wrong. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. No form of physical comfort helped.

Then one day, Tim Park called my dad's home phone number. Apparently he tried to call my cell phone and it didn't work (so God). Then my sister text me saying that Dad talked to Tim and told him I moved out. I was crushed. My youth pastor knew that I was living with my boyfriend! (We all know what comes with living with boyfriends/girlfriends).

So I called him back. I had to know why he even called!

They wanted me to come out to California and babysit for them. It was their 10 year anniversary and wanted someone who knew the boys to babysit them for a week or so. Their form of payment was my plane ticket.

I went. I don't know why, I knew what was waiting for me the second I was in their presence alone. But, I did go.

It was the longest 10 days of my life. It was so refreshing in California, but my heart was so heavy. I was a horrible babysitter. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to have fun, and I wasn't fun to be around.

Then it came. The day I spoke to Tim and Mirm about what was going on. They laid it on thick. They didn't let up, and my goodness it was so refreshing. To hear someone tell me that I'm being stupid and that I'm pretty much slapping God in the face: it was freeing. I know this sounds so ridiculous. But when your heart is heavy and you are miserable and you know somethings majorly wrong, its nice to actually hear what it is.

During the 10 days I was in California, talks about having me move out happened frequently. I even met with the Jamisons who happened to be fixing up a room to rent out on their property.

Of course I never dreamed it'd happen. Mainly because...no one goes anywhere in Kansas. Definitely a "born and raised" state.

Well clearly, it did happen. I think it took me a whole 5 days to come to the official decision once I was back in Kansas. I broke up with Brandt, I moved out and in with the Williams family. I put in my "3 weeks" at Fidelity, and things were in motion.

The most important part of this story: God used so many things during the month of August to break me down and turn me back to Him. There was nothing clearer than Him saying "This is where I am putting you". Feeling God, knowing that He didn't give up on me, I can't even express how that feels. AMAZING.

If you don't believe in God, I hope that through this blog I can show you that He exists and loves you.

Through this blog, I hope I can use my personal life experiences to show Jesus Christ's love.

Through this blog, I hope you can find encouragement, through any of life's circumstances.

Their Leaves Never Wither.....

Oh the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with scoffers.

But they delight in doing everything the Lord wants; day and night they think about his law.

They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season without fail.

Their leaves never wither, and in all they do, they prosper.

But this is not true of the wicked.

They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind.

They will be condemned at the time of judgment.

Sinners will have no place among the godly.

For the Lord watches over the path of the godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.

Chapter 1 of the book of Psalms

Who We Really Are

I’m reading a book right now, Radical by David Platt. So far I agree with a lot of what he says, but there are other parts I don’t agree with. So I will be going through this book and making sure God is directing it so that no thought enters my mind that mis-portrays the Lord to me.

Here is an excerpt that I really like so far. 

“God beckons storm clouds and they come. He tells the wind to blow and the rain to fall, and they obey immediately. He speaks to the mountains, ‘You go there,’ and he says to the seas, ‘You stop here,’ and they do it. Everything in all creation responds in obedience to the Creator…until we get to you and me. We have the audacity to look God in the face and say ‘No.’”

Aint that the truth! Just by something I want to do and not listening to the Spirit edging me the other way, I’m telling God “No.” Why? Why do we have to be so….humanly!

Fortunately we do have God, our Lord! Who is FAITHFUL to us! In my regular Bible Study with my ladies we learned about God’s faithfulness. One of my favorite passages from the chapter:

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful – for He cannot deny Himself. “ – 2 Timothy 2:13

I like this not only because it shows that God will always be God and nothing, ever, can change that; but because when I screw up, He will still be faithful to me.

My challenge to myself and to fellow Christians: live like the mountains and the seas! Live like you cannot deny the Lord in the big or small things (in everything). Know that no matter what, He is being faithful to us right now.

Lesson Learned

What Lesson is learned? Pontiac's catch fire, Saturn's save lives.

Yesterday my second car was totaled. My first car, my Pontiac caught fire about 2 years ago and that was totaled. I'm seeing a pattern....I don't like it much.

Here's what happened.

If you are familiar with Modesto, this will make more sense, if you aren't, I will be specific.

So I was on my way to Ripon to join Zechariah at his football game. It was 9 am, so still pretty early for a Saturday. I was going about 45 mph down Keirnan. Rigth past Sisk (going west, towards the highway) there is a Kiernan court. It merges with Keirnan Avenue. Keirnan is a divided street, 2 lanes for each direction. Keirnan court merges going west, but there is a stop sign where they must STOP first, Keirnan is a pretty busy street sometimes. So I had just passed Sisk road and there was a van on Keirnan court going about the same speed, maybe faster but I've never been very good at judging speeds. She was going way too fast to be able to stop.

I was in the lane closest to her, seeing that she wasn't going to stop and was headed towards me, I swerved to the lane over. I was going too fast too be able to stop and didn't think to speed up. She hit me from the side (passenger, thank the Lord!). From there all I saw was white stuff and glass flying everywhere. Once I stopped there was a guy pulled over yelling for people to stop her, "It's her fault! She's under the influence!" That made sense....because before she hit me, I looked at her and there was nothing on her face recognizing that she was not driving safely.

Everyone who was there was so kind! I honestly didn't think there were that many nice people in Modesto, not like that. Sure they'd "care" from the side of the street, but these people were nice. Making sure I was ok, one gave me some gloves so I could climb out of the car without getting more cuts on my hands. One guy shook my coat out. Two Lowe's workers came and called 911 and let me borrow their phone because I couldn't find mine.

This is what my car looked like:

I was in the ambulance at this time. See the medium next to my car? I was on the other side of that, going the opposite way. See how low my car is to the ground? Thats not an easy curb (two in this case) to jump. Apparently I was in the air and nearly flipped over.You can't see if from here, but in the passenger door there is a huge heavy metal bar in the middle of the door going horizontally. If anyone was in the passenger seat, they wouldn't have died, but would have been seriously injured, but if that bar wasn't there, I probably would have been more hurt. Or rather...hurt. I got out with one bruise,  4 little cuts on my hands and another on my face. Thats not hurt.

Back to the "story". They caught the girl that ran from the scene. She made it all the way across the street. (not that far lol). Apparently she was "H&S". Which, I looked up, stands for "Health and Safety". AKA: Illegal Narcotics.

So anyways, rewinding and going to the beginning. I was shaking, and my leg kinda hurt, like I slammed it against of the inside of my car. Once I got out of the car I told someone I needed to find my phone so I can get a hold of my husband. I couldn't find it so I borrowed a phone. Unfortunately I only knew my husbands phone number. And when he plays football, he keeps his phone in his car. So I tried anyways. He didn't answer. Then a guy came up to me and said he was a fireman. He was off duty. He had me sit down. He asked me if I was ok and checked out my neck and back making sure it was straight and stuff. He said that when the EMT's got here they would put me on a gurney and ask if they could take me to the hospital. He said that I should go with him, I just shook my head. Once they did get there, they asked the same questions. The girl asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I told her that I felt ok but if they thought I should go, I would go. It was no time for me to be stubborn, though I am never stubborn (.......). She lead me to the ambulance to check my vitals.

I told them that I needed to find my phone because I needed to tell my husband. They said they'd look for it. a few minutes later they brought me my phone. I called Matt. He didn't answer. As I was trying to type in Angel's name, she called me back. I kept it pretty simple, didn't want to give too much away, because I didn't want to freak anyone out. I just told her that I needed her to do me a favor and go get Zech because I was in an accident. She was instantly in business mode, and man I love her for that! She asked what she needed to do. I told her to just get Zech. She told me to not let anyone leave and stay there. I let her know that wouldn't be a problem (considering everyone was already there, except for my family lol). Matt calls me a little bit later and asks if I'm ok. I said I was fine. I told him where I was. He got there first. He's not as good at hiding emotion on his face. Sure he was calm on the outside, but his face showed that he was scared. Zech called me right after Matt got there. I told him I was fine and also where I was. He got there right when I was hopping out of the ambulance. He looked scared too =/.

I got all the info from the CHP officer about what to do with the insurance and gave my statement. This is where I am like my dad, a lot. In time of crisis, do what you need to do, natural instinct kicks in, get it finished. I was detailed and said as many details as I remembered. Then it was over. The tow truck was already there, Matt got all of my stuff out of my car, the lady was taken away already. Then I let my "hold it together mode" down and just cried. I can't believe I was just in an ACCIDENT! It's always just a thing you think about. Driving down the street, thinking "Hmm, what if someone just ran this light and hit me?" It's always a scary thought and I never knew what I would do. I still don't know what I would have done if all those people didn't help me out.

On our way to the cars I told them what happened. I don't think I've ever appreciated my new family as much as I did that moment. They came for me when I needed. I have no words for my gratitude.

Another question people have asked me: She had insurance (as far as i could tell from the EMT's chatting) so I wont need to worry about it. I'm going to try to go to the doctor tomorrow, because I am SOREEEE. Who knew something like this could be so painful the next day! The inside of my throat hurts, I must have been REALLY tense!

All in All: God was definitely protecting me. It's so easy to say "You don't know how long you have", not so easy to live that way, because when those moments come....it is still shocking and kinda...puts you in your place. Makes you enjoy every second with people you love. Makes you stop and think "If I died right this moment, would I be able to say to God that I was living my life for Him?"

Giving my statement and looking at the weird thing on my finger...

Once upon a time, there was a passenger seat right there. It was completely folded in.

 This is the lady getting in the police car. I would like to ask that you pray for her. To be that 'gone' that early in the morning...well it makes you think about what kind of life she lived. It makes me wonder what she was doing 10 mins before the accident. Where she came from, there are no houses. Just a couple business and a church. Its not a through street. I wonder if she has good people in her life, Christians. I really wish I had gone and told her that I was upset with her and that I would be praying for her and the next couple days she'd be facing.

 

My car from the other side and her van. By my wheel in the medium is my sunroof. it simple popped out. Didn't shatter down in the car, the tire is the first thing I saw when the dust settled. No window, makes it easy to climb out of. good thing I'm small =D

What's that? "Radical???"

I once saw on a blog someone who was struggling with what to write. She battled between what she thought people wanted to read and what was really going through her mind. So she wrote both. I am going to adopt that idea. The text in red is stuff that I typed out....thought about deleting...and then decided: No. This blog is for them to know what I'm really thinking. I'm not going to sugar coat it. So if you don't want to know what's really going on inside....avoid the red at all costs =D

So us "Christians" have heard this term before: Radical. Being Radical, Radical Christians.

I think we (as "Christians") are scared of the word radical. I would even go as far as saying we are scared of radical Christians. Why? I'm not talking about those crazy ones who do illegal stuff to make a point. I'm talking about those who actually live like Christ through their daily lives.

This post is not ... formulated. I'm just rambling about whats on my mind currently. This has been on my mind for quite awhile now.

It all started with a radio show.

It was one of those "1 minute with So and So" types.

The guy started talking about Christmas and what we have turned it into.

The part that got my attention was his comment about gifts.

Why do we give gifts?

Our answer is: "To Bless others around us" or something along those lines.

If we are wanting to Bless someone...why would we only do it on a "national" holiday when everyone else is giving and getting gifts on the very same day? If you see someone in need...would you not bless them immediately? or if you are walking through a store and see something and it makes you say "Oh! So-and-so would LOVE that!" Why not get it for them then?

But really....Christmas is about one thing: The Birth of Christ.

Look what we've turned it into! A month of spending more money than you have, crazy traffic, gifts for people, getting gifts, getting days off work, a slow stop to all businesses (mail takes longer to get places, banks shut down for a couple days, etc). Luckily we have also turned it into: A joyful month, being able to see someones face when they open a gift they love, spending time with family, growing closer to those in your church, refocusing on Jesus and why He did come down to earth for us!

So...to tie in my Radical point here: Think to the holiday, Halloween. Most Christians AVOID it. I know I do! No parties, no dressing up, no excessive candy (I already try to maintain a balanced candy diet :) ). You all know what I'm talking about. We avoid it because its "evil" or because it's not "religious".

Now think about Christmas. Think about the random things we do. the tree, the lights, the gifts, etc. Why do we do that? Where is that in the Bible? What part about that screams "I'm celebrating the Birth of Christ today!"

If we were to really live out a life of Jesus....What would we see in our lives, that is not Christ like and would need to take out of our life?

That's a hard question! Back to the gifts at Christmas. If we were to take out gifts and not do them any more. Wow. That would be "Radical" and wrong. Right? Isn't that what "society" tells us? Isn't that what churches tells us?!

Those are just some of my thoughts. You know how you think about stuff, have to think about it for a long time, then you come to a conclusion. I'm still on the "think about it for a long time" step. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. Maybe I'm way off! I do that sometimes when I have no one to bounce my thoughts and questions off of =D.

To be honest...I get scared. I am afraid of revealing what society, culture, and the world has ... impressed on me? Not the right phrase...Let me try this one: Have you ever thought about something you read in the Bible, have you ever thought that the way we "interpret" the passage might be incorrect, because of the way the world portrays things to be?

For example (now this is coming from the top of my head, so it's not going to be very developed). "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world." It says plainly there "Do not love the things of the world". I love....jackets! Jackets are my ticket in. If I see an amazing jacket, man, it's hard for me not to buy it! And if I have to clean out my closet and get rid of some...its hard. Does this verse mean that loving jackets is wrong and that I do not have the Father in me?! (scary). Our answer is "As long as your love of the jacket is not above your love for the Lord and it is not getting in the way of your relationship with the Lord". Well it most certainly is not! I love the Lord more than anything in this world, including my husband and even my life! So I'm good, right? Hmm. The verse doesn't say "Do not love the world or the things of this world more than your Father." See what I mean? Think about it. That is what I'm afraid of!

I'm sure these thoughts and questions are another step in my walk with the Lord to grow me and teach me things as I "grow up". I could be way off right now, but one thing I know for sure: God will reveal the truth to me as I dive into His words.

Life

This past weekend was pretty scary. First, let me explain to you my family tree.

I have the Hadsell side. Lives in Kansas, my dad, sister, nephew, mom, aunt, uncle, grandpa and "Margret". Then I have the Keenan's. The side I married into, all in California. Then I have the Parks. Lived in both Kansas and California. There is a bound between that family that I cannot explain. I have four brothers, William, Justin, Ethan and Jack.

I have never had anything "major" happen within my family, that I remember fully being "major". When I was younger my Dad was diagnosed with Hepatitis C (none curable, but God healed him! a post for another time maybe?). That happened when I was little enough to know that Dad wasn't going to "get better", but no more than that really. Not the anxious...indescribable feeling that happens when you fully know and are old enough to comprehend.


This past Friday, December 9, 2011 I will never forget. Miriam had text me "Please Pray! We're at the hospital with Jack. They're checking for a possible brain tumor". My world spun a little. Tears came to my eyes. Less than 5 minutes later I had pushed it out already. (I do this funny (not humorously so) thing when serious things happen. I can 'shut off' and ignore it. If I'm doing something wrong and I hear God's voice edging me the other way, I turn it off. It's really horrible and I've gotten so much better and leaving it on!). But then Miriam text me what had happened that lead up to the initial text. Reality set in.


I couldn't focus on my work, I didn't want to work. I wanted to do something! I needed to be with Miriam, I needed to be with the other boys, I needed to fix it! But....we all know we can't fix things like this, what a fool I am to think I could even try.

This is most likely the most choppy and none-well-thought-of post ever. But...I don't care. When things like this happen, you realize that there is so much more to life than the stupid things, like forming a well constructed blog post hours in advance! Or making sure that I get home early enough during the day so that I can get as much sleep as possible, or play video games before I go to bed. I am so amazingly (not in the good way) selfish! It's so DISGUSTING and repulsive! I'm scrunching up my nose now, just thinking about it!

UGH!

So, back to Jack, and away from my selfishness...Long story short. They don't know whats wrong. MRI's, CAT scans and blood work has all come back clean. Please be praying that whatever it is, that everyone (including Tim and Miriam, Jack, William, Justin, Ethan, Me, family members, church members, spectators) will see God's glory! We know God is in control. God is completely Sovereign and Powerful! He has it in control and He knows what everyone will be gaining through this experience.

Jack and his MUSCLES and Scorpion tat!

Always so happy! Love this guy!

 

Mom and Son

Jack in the hospital getting ready for the millions of tests. He has such a good attitude about it! If I was him, i would be screaming to get me outta there!

My Prayer for Jack

Lord be with him through this trial. Be with his mom and dad as this is a very hard thing to endure. I know you won't dish out more than they can handle...but it's still scary. Through this, You will be glorified and I hope for those around this family, they will see that and come to know You or grow closer to You.

Orbit - Sweet Mint

Funny how small things remind you of something from way back when and memories just flood in.

That moment just happened to me. I bought a package of Orbit gum - sweet mint flavor, because that's where its at. As soon as I unwrapped that package the smell drifted out of it and BAM.

Memories.

Memories of Bethany, my very much so missed best friend. I think about how weird and crazy and hyper we were back in high school. Then I think about her. She's in Texas. I'm in California. Both so far away from our home in Kansas. She's going to Thailand next summer! I'm so very proud of her and where she is in her life right now. So totally sold out for the Lord.

Memories of choir class and always hiding chewing gum while singing, which is a no-no. Then Mr. McCormick catches us, nearly every single stinkin time (he's good...he's very good...). Ahh Choir class, so many fun years of my life.

Memories of always secretly asking for gum from other people. Why? Because...you know Finding Nemo? And all those "Mine" birds (seagulls, right?). That's how Valley Center High people were. "Gum", "Gum"...in an instant the entire pack of 14 pieces is down to zero. Oh how something so small was so greatly sought after. It's only gum =D

These memories make me think of something my daddy said to me yesterday via text. This conversation started when I saw someone at church with the very shirt my dad had. It was one of his very first Christian T-Shirts. It made me miss him dearly, and I told him as such. His response was from his heart (this doesn't happen very often):

Well we miss you too. For everyone that said they gained, everyone of us from Wichita said to ourselves silently, we lost.

 This  comment still brings tears to my eyes. Sure, I've gained such an amazing new family, a HUSBAND! a place to call my home. But yes...there is a huge huge part of me that has lost. I have lost familiarity of my home. This is my home now, but there is something about the place you were raised, especially if everyone you grew up with and your family is still there. As much as I miss my home...If I ever moved Zech to Kansas...well...

I'd be inflicting that same "lost" feeling. It takes a lot to feel at home again. It took me a long time and was one of the most painful life experiences I've been through (read about it here). I cannot do that to my husband. I would also be inflicting pain upon his family, the sadness my dad feels right now would be theirs. I cannot do that to them. So here I am, torn between my "new" life, and my old life where my family is.

I have "joked" about getting all my family to move out here, and that all I would have to do is get my nephew out here and they would all follow. I am serious. I want them hear so bad, because I know I cannot go to them. I am torn once again. I would then be asking my own family to just move all the way over here. Without jobs, without homes, without...purpose other than to satisfy my own need. How selfish is that?!

Sigh. I'm torn in many many ways. Ultimately all I can, and will do, is pray. If God leading either us or them to each other, AMAZING! GREAT! But there is no sense in waiting and waiting. God is the one in control of my life. He know where I will be in a month, year and 10 years from now. I have nothing to worry about. If far away we shall be, then something amazing is going to come from that, for all parties involved.

I Love Blogs!

I love blogs. I love the brute honesty that is trickled in them. I love that people are open to share their struggles, joys, “moments” (we know the ones I mean) and mainly, how they live through each of them.

I recently read a blog from an old friend from back home. What an inspiration she has been to me, and yet she has no idea =D. She reminded me of something that I have been struggling with for months now. Mainly impatience. I want so much stuff right now. I want a house, if I have a house then I can have kids, if I have kids then I can be a Mommy, and I’ve wanted that for a long time. Unfortunately, it seems God has something else in mind for me and my husband. That would be:  time. Right now is what we need and what is best for us. I ‘know’ this. I know that we would be so much better off if we waited until Zech was done with school, and I know that it’d be better if we waited until we could actually afford a house. But I just can’t let it go! 

You must understand…I am SO frustrated. I know all this stuff, but why?! Why can I NOT be content with it??? I’ve done the same thing for months, I’ll be bummed out and whiny about all the things I want, and then am like “its ok! God has us where we are for a reason, and I will enjoy what I have right now”. Then a couple weeks later, I’m back at my bummed out, whiny phase. What.the.crap. URGH. 

I am tired of being told that God has everything in control, and in time what I need will come, and I will “grow” from where I am now, blah blah. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!! And here is where my stubborn, prideful flesh goes down and my heart really comes out: Why can’t I apply what I know? Why can’t I accept it for what it is? Why can’t I just be content? Why am I struggling so much when I’m trying to lean on God so much? What am I missing? I hear when mom’s mess up with their kids and they say “I must be a bad mom”…well I feel like a bad daughter, to my heavenly Father. 

Though I know no one can give these answers, for I believe to truly grasp them it has to happen in me. Clearly I’m missing something, clearly I’m not as in tune as I think I am, clearly I need a “God-Check” (instead of reality-check).

Here marks my “God-Check”. I need to weed out what is hindering me and my relationship with my Father. What is my main frustration? Wanting what I cannot have. What is my main source for that? … Pinterest. I love it so much. I see so much that I want, no NEED…no…want. It needs to go. It needs to be out of my life until I can get my heart in the right spot. What I have found to work when I go through these times where I am far from God, is weeding out the world. This means: Facebook, Movies, Secular Music…even secular literature. This leaves me focusing on God day in and day out. It works for usually quite some time, but then I always fall back to my fleshly self. We’ll see how a month goes for now, maybe I’ll even enjoy NOT having all the media and entertainment taking up my time and life and keep it out =D

I will hopefully keep blogging, opening up my heart to those who may read. My secret hope is that someone will read my blog and find the same encouragement that I have found in so many other blogs.

Today: October 21, 2011. Day 1 of Operation….uhhhh….Ok, I’ll make an awesomely cool title sometime in the next month!

A Girl Can Dream

A friend of mine told me I should write a book. That small compliment has given me such a … dream. I would love to write a book. Not a fiction book per say. I don’t have enough creativity for that! I would love to write a book for people. Something inspirational; something based off of fact and real events that someone really did experience.

Oh man, can I dream!!

I want to write something new! A new way to read; a new way to write! I want it to be stunning! Thrilling! I want it to show how powerful and loving my God is! 

Possible?

Maybe not…

But all things are possible with My God!

As long as it is His will for my life.

Is it?

Oh how I dearly hope so.

How Did I Get Here?

Here it is, Saturday morning. Its 9:30 and I am not even dressed. I just ate breakfast and now am sipping some amazing coffee. I’m thinking about my husband far off in Turlock attending an 8 hour class. I’m looking around me and wondering, “How did I get here?” I have an apartment, more than fully furnished. I have the most amazing man as a husband. I have a huge family that loves me very much. Most importantly, I have this close relationship with my Lord. How did I get here, when not even 2 years ago everyday was a struggle to get through?

Well we all know the story of my struggle, if you are a new reader check out my way earlier posts. The answer is very clear. I got here because this is where the Lord has taken me. He DID have bigger plans for me. He still has bigger plans for me. At this thought, I smile.

When I first moved to California, I was blessed in so many ways. I pretty much had it easy when it comes to my relationship with God. I was forced to lean on Him when I was struggling. Not because anyone “forced” me to do it, but because I knew He is taking care of me and I had no one else to fall back on. I called that period my “Refining Period”. (Maybe one day I’ll write a blog about my entire life chopped out between eras and periods). I knew God was always there, and I knew God was taking care of me. God put things in my life to push me a little in one area one day, and then I’d lean on Him more. Then He’d push me a little in another area, and I’d lean on Him more. Once I truly got the hang of that and got to the point where it was so much easier to instinctively lean on God for anything and everything, my world changed to my “Unnamed Period” (I don’t know a good name for this just yet, suggestions welcome). This Period is where I met my now husband, Zechariah. I was leery at first. I prayed about the relationship and if this was where God was leading my life now. Indeed it was. It was very blissful. I loved him, he loved me, and we both loved the Lord. 

Somewhere between that time in my life and now (over a year later) I got to the point where I snuffed God again. Sure I would trust God with the big things, but I was nowhere close to where I was with God when I started dating Zech. I slowly started to turn toward Zechariah instead of God; just enough to where I could still “see” God if I turned my head slightly. The song “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns reminds me of what happened. I don’t know when I made the turn, all I know is that I did and I’ve been struggling to turn back.

Fortunately I still have hope! The last couple weeks I’ve gotten to the point where I NEED change. I need to lean on God. Boy, it sure is easy to say that, but sometimes so hard to do it! I think I was trying for a couple weeks to “say” it. If I thought about God enough, if I listened to Christian music enough, if I focused really hard in church on Sunday’s it’d just click and I’d be fixed! If you didn’t guess it already it didn’t work!! I was beginning to be frustrated with the whole situation.

(Insert break to go heat my coffee up…)

Finally! Something just…clicked! I was at the College & Career Sunday school and Kevin Bertram was leading it. The message was about “Identity In Christ”. Basic stuff, right? We all learn this somewhere along the way. The Lord used Kevin’s message to get me, and it got to me good! Kevin spoke about the things that our “identity” is based off of, such as: Fashion, Friends, Media, and Family (plus many more). We visually see something that others view as “cool” and we base our style off of that. It hit me. I make my husband what I live for. I don’t live for God anymore. I live for Zechariah Keenan. I will do anything for that man because I love him so very much. Granted, I do not personally feel that is wrong. But when I make my identity based off of Zech; that is wrong. I am sinning against my Lord and Savior. How dare I! So I thought long and hard about it; for DAYS.

Fortunately, God is so amazing. He doesn’t just halfway show me things. He says “That’s the first step, here is step two”.  Step two is the book Behold Your God by Myrna Alexander. It is a study book for woman. It goes through the attributes of God. The same week Kevin spoke at Sunday School, was the week I was in the middle of Chapter 1 of Behold Your God. This first chapter was the Introduction chapter. What would a book be without one of those! This chapter explained why we need to know who God is. I don’t just mean “God is my Lord and Savior who sent His Son to die for my sins.” I mean who is GOD! His characteristics, what makes God, God! Alexander shares how when we view our husbands, or anyone else for that matter, we view them as a complete person, not just a list of characteristics (kind, patient, loving). But when someone asks “What are they like?” that’s what we list to let them know pieces of their character, though if you have ever done this and tried to explain someone (for me it was Zechariah) you know that those words do not even come close to explaining really who they are. So reading through this chapter and answering the questions that came with it, I can see that God is so much more than just a list of words and Bible Stories. 

One of the questions where: “How do you view God today?” I thought long and hard on this one. Ashamed I wrote the few things I could list as things I truly viewed God as. My list was very very small, and I realized that I am not viewing God in the near capacity I should be. Though I don’t think anyone will ever really knows fully “who God is” until we see Him in heaven, I think we can all continually be growing and knowing who He is more and more throughout our lives though. I’ve always been told that God chooses to reveal certain things to us at certain times. God has shown me recently how much more He is than I see. 

Through the last couple days I have been striving to get closer to God, to let Him get closer to me. It’s been a delightful last couple days. If you don’t mind, could you keep me in your prayers? That I would continue to place my Identity in Christ, not in my husband or anything else, that I would continually grow closer to the Lord and learn more and more about His attributes. Thank you!!