She's Alive!!!

I haven’t updated in a long long long time. As you all can see. I don’t even know where to start. Frankly I don’t even know if anyone truly cares. Just like facebook, blogging has become more of a stalking aide. A lot of the time you get friend requests from people you don’t really know, or even like for that matter. Or they are friends of a friend. Does that make it ok to accept? Really all they want is to be able to keep tabs on you. Is that not a form of stalking? I admit I do accept a lot of friend requests, but only for people I can trust and know. If they want to keep tabs on me, fine. But I am going to pour out my life in a website like facebook. I hope that my facebook friends see who I live for, and hopefully it will be an encouragement to those who follow it. 
 

So whether or not you truly care about where I am in my life and what I am doing…I’m still going to post something in hopes that you may use it as an example and see how amazing God works in people.

I have read through my posts from before. I am taken back into the past. I remember where I was each time I wrote those, what I was feeling and just how much words don’t express what I feel inside. So much has changed. With that simple sentence it doesn’t even cover what I am feeling inside and how much I mean it. I am in a very good writing mood, so this post will be long. I hope it opens eyes to see how amazing God is working in my life. So here I go!

Flash to the past!

Lets rewind back to January. January was my journey uphill from a deep low time in my life. I was miserable. I am getting over my own pride by even sharing this. I share it with those who are close to me, but even then not all of them. December was horrid. I cannot begin to explain how wretched that month was. I wish I never have to go through a time like that again and I also wish no one has to either. My 20^th birthday was officially the worst birthday ever. Never have I experienced an anxiety attack before. If you haven’t, you don’t want to. I remember being depressed about being away from home. Having no friends and basically feeling the deepest part of loneliness. I could feel God sitting right beside me, waiting for me to turn to Him. I did turn to Him, but I didn’t open my arms out to let Him take all of my sadness away. That night I have never cried so much. Even through all the crap I have been through in my life. Right after midnight it took a turn, I thought I could not get worse then where I was at. I remember I couldn’t breathe. I started to panic. There was no one here I could go to, no one I could call. It was the middle of the night, I was all alone, and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was racing more each minute and my throat closed up even more. It was a mix of choking and hyperventilating. It lasted for about an hour when I finally talked myself through breathing slow and deep and trying to calm down. I got very little sleep, if any. The next day I went to Miriam’s to bake some cookies. I appreciate her more than she may know for inviting me. I was afraid to be alone that day, and yet all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball underneath my covers. That event happened a few more times that month. January came by and I decided I can’t be here anymore. I was going home as soon as May came.

As soon as I made that decision, I started helping out in the high school youth group. Not 2 weeks later I was questioning if I wanted to leave just yet. The way God works amazes me. He puts people in my life when I think I cannot go any further and then I realize I just need to listen to God and give Him all of my worry. At youth is when I really became good friends with Samantha. I cannot express how much she has impacted my life; her and her entire family. I could ramble on and on about how much their family has impacted me and how much they still are, but I won’t just yet. The E.D.G.E Awards is what solidified Sam and I’s friendship and opened the door to my friendship with Zechariah, Cheyanne, and Elijah. The more time I was at their house, the more I realized how much I fit in here, so much more than my home in Kansas. Angel and Matt opened their house to me and welcomed me with the most genuineness. I will get in more detail about them later though.

I had planned a trip to Kansas for a week. I was to go during Kansas’s spring break in March. I was nervous. The trip had a lot weighing on my decision to stay or not. Tim and Miriam put a thought in my head that if I move back, it’s not going to be the same. Things change and I expected things to be the way I left them. That had me worried; I did not want to started friendships in California and then leave to go through the same thing I went through in December again. From the end of January to my trip I prayed that God would show me the right way to go. I was not going to make a decision unless God told me that was the way to go. I have learned that is the best way to go.

Through the waiting time I hung out at the Keenan house nearly every day. I developed strong friendships with Samantha and Zechariah very quickly. Both I consider my closest friends. Their family I consider to be my own. They each accepted me knowing my past. They did not judge me like my own family and friends at home did and still do. For that I am still in awe.

Fast forwarding to my trip. I could honestly say that I really didn’t want to visit home again. Mainly because I was afraid of what was going to come of it. It wasn’t that bad of a trip. It was nice, but I knew by the middle of it that I did not belong there anymore. My time there is over. I will always remember my home there and will cherish the memories.

Don’t tell God what you will or will not do!

One thing I had determined when I moved out here was that I was not going to get involved with any guy. At all. Ever. Well as you can imagine, giving God restrictions is not really the way to go. When I say what I will and will not do, I picture God standing there saying “Oh really?...We’ll see ;)” And I believe that is just what happened. I had become very good friends with Zechariah.

We are very much alike in the sense that we both a …crazy and weird! I could go on and on and on about him, but I’ll save you the time because you probably don’t care much. Every since I first went to the Keenan’s house and made a fool of myself (you’ll have to ask me about that story) I have had my eye on this guy. Of course no one knew that. I keep things to myself when it comes to that stuff.

Well we hung out more and more. And then I went to Kansas and found him the first one I wanted to tell that I was going to stay in California. He was happy =D and that fact made me happy. The next day I found myself standing outside his door and him there asking me to date him. My heart soared. I could not have been more happier. I had told him that I needed to pray about it. Part of it was driven by fear of getting into another relationship, another part from pride on my “I wasn’t going to date” foundation, and another part wanting to know for sure if this was what God had in store for me. After a long 5 days, I finally said yes because I knew that God was telling me that this is my new path. Every since then I have been so happy.

God is Amazing….Do you know that?

Through everything I have gone through, I am reminded how much God loves me. How much He truly loves me. Out of 7 billion people on this earth, He doesn’t just pass over me. He wants to be in my life, a Mighty and Powerful God wants to pay attention to little me. Can you grasp how amazing that is? Can you fully understand? When I sit and think about it, I am blown away. I cannot even come up with words to explain it. All I can do is simply say “Wow. Thank you God.” Throughout my experience here and wherever God is going to lead me in the future, He will always be showing me more and more about Him and what He is doing. Once again, no words to describe what is going on in my mind.