I Love Blogs!

I love blogs. I love the brute honesty that is trickled in them. I love that people are open to share their struggles, joys, “moments” (we know the ones I mean) and mainly, how they live through each of them.

I recently read a blog from an old friend from back home. What an inspiration she has been to me, and yet she has no idea =D. She reminded me of something that I have been struggling with for months now. Mainly impatience. I want so much stuff right now. I want a house, if I have a house then I can have kids, if I have kids then I can be a Mommy, and I’ve wanted that for a long time. Unfortunately, it seems God has something else in mind for me and my husband. That would be:  time. Right now is what we need and what is best for us. I ‘know’ this. I know that we would be so much better off if we waited until Zech was done with school, and I know that it’d be better if we waited until we could actually afford a house. But I just can’t let it go! 

You must understand…I am SO frustrated. I know all this stuff, but why?! Why can I NOT be content with it??? I’ve done the same thing for months, I’ll be bummed out and whiny about all the things I want, and then am like “its ok! God has us where we are for a reason, and I will enjoy what I have right now”. Then a couple weeks later, I’m back at my bummed out, whiny phase. What.the.crap. URGH. 

I am tired of being told that God has everything in control, and in time what I need will come, and I will “grow” from where I am now, blah blah. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!! And here is where my stubborn, prideful flesh goes down and my heart really comes out: Why can’t I apply what I know? Why can’t I accept it for what it is? Why can’t I just be content? Why am I struggling so much when I’m trying to lean on God so much? What am I missing? I hear when mom’s mess up with their kids and they say “I must be a bad mom”…well I feel like a bad daughter, to my heavenly Father. 

Though I know no one can give these answers, for I believe to truly grasp them it has to happen in me. Clearly I’m missing something, clearly I’m not as in tune as I think I am, clearly I need a “God-Check” (instead of reality-check).

Here marks my “God-Check”. I need to weed out what is hindering me and my relationship with my Father. What is my main frustration? Wanting what I cannot have. What is my main source for that? … Pinterest. I love it so much. I see so much that I want, no NEED…no…want. It needs to go. It needs to be out of my life until I can get my heart in the right spot. What I have found to work when I go through these times where I am far from God, is weeding out the world. This means: Facebook, Movies, Secular Music…even secular literature. This leaves me focusing on God day in and day out. It works for usually quite some time, but then I always fall back to my fleshly self. We’ll see how a month goes for now, maybe I’ll even enjoy NOT having all the media and entertainment taking up my time and life and keep it out =D

I will hopefully keep blogging, opening up my heart to those who may read. My secret hope is that someone will read my blog and find the same encouragement that I have found in so many other blogs.

Today: October 21, 2011. Day 1 of Operation….uhhhh….Ok, I’ll make an awesomely cool title sometime in the next month!