3 years

Another anniversary is here.

3 years ago I moved to California from my comfortable home in Kansas.

As I look at the post I wrote 3 years ago, I think about where I was at the time I wrote that piece. What I was feeling, what I was thinking, even what mood I was in at the time. I briefly explain it in the post, but sometimes words can never be enough.

If you don't know my situation, then you have no idea what those feelings were even related to. All you know is words.

Many of my friends know I'm semi open about my past, as long as you ask me. But, I think it's about time that I log those past experiences in the one place that I'm supposed to: My Blog. (that's what blogs are for right? Its best I get on track here!)

Trying to explain history is really hard without going all the way to the beginning, but I am going to try! Maybe one day it will all be up here and the pieces will fit better.

4 1/2 years ago I graduated high school. My best friend and youth pastor (Tim and Miriam Park) moved away right after I graduated, I went from school to adult life and having a regular, full time job within about 2 days, and needless to say: I fell away from God.

I guess I should explain better: I already distanced myself from God in the previous years. But that summer was my official "cutting ties" era. I knew I was doing it, I didn't care, and I was miserable.

Well anyways, that summer all my friends were still in school/summer mode (Sleeping in until noon, seeing super late movies, etc) while Adult Amanda had to be in bed by 9 or else wouldn't be functional at work. So I began searching for friends in other places. Mainly a chat site called Mocospace.

There I chatted with multiple people about daily concerns, likes and dislikes, opinions on movies, blah blah. There was one guy I met on there named Brandt. He was so funny, whitty and charming. After the 3rd time talking to him, I remember thinking "Man, I really like this guy! What if he's the one?!".

Boy was I wrong.

One thing lead to another, and we met up at Starbucks one day. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I sat in my car for 15 minutes watching him wait for me before I got the courage to actually get out and meet him!

Now let me pause in this story to mention a part of home life that I didn't mention before: At this time my dad and I's relationship was not....good. I was always mad at him, he was always mad at me, we bucked heads. It was so hard trying to be a responsible adult and then still having to be home at a certain time or not be able to go hang out with someone one day (you know...typical teenage issues lol)

So of course he knew nothing about this guy, and didn't until the next May.

So as you can probably guess, Brandt and I started dating.  As time went by things got more serious.

By that next May I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to move out and be my own person. I tried to get a room with a friend from high school, but it just didn't work out. Brandt suggested one day that I move in with him because he was going to kick out his roommate. So I agreed. I was excited and clearly had no idea what all that entails. For real. That's an understatement.

So my dad met Brandt one day, then the next week I told him I was moving out. I was hoping he wouldn't ask with who....but he did. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had.

You know when you know you are not doing the right thing, but you are too stubborn to turn back now and you need to have some form of change so you convince your self that this option is worth it? Yeah...it wasn't worth it.

I moved in with Brandt at the beginning of June 2009. It was fine at first. Then God just wore down on my heart. So much that I didn't know what was wrong. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. No form of physical comfort helped.

Then one day, Tim Park called my dad's home phone number. Apparently he tried to call my cell phone and it didn't work (so God). Then my sister text me saying that Dad talked to Tim and told him I moved out. I was crushed. My youth pastor knew that I was living with my boyfriend! (We all know what comes with living with boyfriends/girlfriends).

So I called him back. I had to know why he even called!

They wanted me to come out to California and babysit for them. It was their 10 year anniversary and wanted someone who knew the boys to babysit them for a week or so. Their form of payment was my plane ticket.

I went. I don't know why, I knew what was waiting for me the second I was in their presence alone. But, I did go.

It was the longest 10 days of my life. It was so refreshing in California, but my heart was so heavy. I was a horrible babysitter. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to have fun, and I wasn't fun to be around.

Then it came. The day I spoke to Tim and Mirm about what was going on. They laid it on thick. They didn't let up, and my goodness it was so refreshing. To hear someone tell me that I'm being stupid and that I'm pretty much slapping God in the face: it was freeing. I know this sounds so ridiculous. But when your heart is heavy and you are miserable and you know somethings majorly wrong, its nice to actually hear what it is.

During the 10 days I was in California, talks about having me move out happened frequently. I even met with the Jamisons who happened to be fixing up a room to rent out on their property.

Of course I never dreamed it'd happen. Mainly because...no one goes anywhere in Kansas. Definitely a "born and raised" state.

Well clearly, it did happen. I think it took me a whole 5 days to come to the official decision once I was back in Kansas. I broke up with Brandt, I moved out and in with the Williams family. I put in my "3 weeks" at Fidelity, and things were in motion.

The most important part of this story: God used so many things during the month of August to break me down and turn me back to Him. There was nothing clearer than Him saying "This is where I am putting you". Feeling God, knowing that He didn't give up on me, I can't even express how that feels. AMAZING.

If you don't believe in God, I hope that through this blog I can show you that He exists and loves you.

Through this blog, I hope I can use my personal life experiences to show Jesus Christ's love.

Through this blog, I hope you can find encouragement, through any of life's circumstances.